


Noh Taehyun's hit-and-miss

by aenimdwa



Series: The heartbreak series [4]
Category: HOTSHOT (Band), JBJ (Band), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: College AU, Donghan is only mentioned in this chapter once bc flashback dhfjs, M/M, TW: Panic Attacks, angsty, tw: depression, tw: self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 06:17:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16382900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aenimdwa/pseuds/aenimdwa
Summary: Had it been about any other person, Taehyun wouldn’t had tried so hard for their friendship; would’ve simply let him push him away. But this was Ha Sungwoon. And Taehyun knew better—at least, he wanted to fool himself into believing that he knew Ha Sungwoon better.





	Noh Taehyun's hit-and-miss

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry that this took me forever!!! I had a huge writer's block and uni got in the way and life was stressfuldkddnldkf. But here it is, a new chapter. I hope you'll enjoy it and I'm sorry if it's too angsty;;.

Taehyun looked down at his phone screen; he had his chat room with Sungwoon open. Last time they talked—that Sungwoon replied to him—had been over a week ago. He could see all of his messages marked as “received”; the ones asking him why he didn’t turn up for classes, whether he was sick, and the last ones he sent about three days ago demanding him to text back to Kang Daniel or else Taehyun would kill the boy for being so damn annoying. Sungwoon hadn’t read any of the messages, but just yesterday he’d finally seen him again at the cafeteria, laughing his heart out with some of his classmates. Had it been about any other person, Taehyun wouldn’t had tried so hard for their friendship; would’ve simply let him push him away. But this was Ha Sungwoon. And Taehyun knew better—at least, he wanted to fool himself into believing that he knew Ha Sungwoon better.

**Me, 17:32**

hey

im craving pizza

do u wanna come over??

**Ha C(loud), 17:41**

Are you treating me?

hehe

**Me, 17:42**

yeah

just stop me from eating the whole thing myself

cuz u know, diet

**Ha C(loud), 17:55**

K then, piggy

I’ll be there in about 20! ^^

**Me, 17:56**

cool, see ya!!!

Because Taehyun knew that if there was anyone who was always willing to keep him some company, it was Ha Sungwoon. Unless he was in one of his I’m-a-hermit phases, which could last him a few days. But eventually he’d be by his side as soon as he felt like it again. Taehyun was okay with that—everyone needed some space every now and then. He assumed that, being the social butterfly he was, Sungwoon got his energy sucked off him by people pretty often. Sometimes he just wished he’d share some of his burdens with him like how Taehyun usually did. Weren’t friends supposed to be there for you not only in good times but also in the bad ones? That’s a thought Taehyun was always struck by when he saw Sungwoon’s smile, the really big one, and it was no different this time when he opened his apartment door and saw the younger standing there with that same dazzling smile.

As Sungwoon stepped into his apartment and took a look around, he immediately gasped. “What the fuck, Noh Taehyun, I thought you were on a diet?” He said, looking horrified at the two boxes of large-sized pizzas resting on Taehyun’s kitchen counter.

“Well, I told you not to let me eat the whole thing, so it’s technically ok if I only eat half of each,” Taehyun replied as he closed the door. He caught Sungwoon rolling his eyes when he turned around. “Aren’t you hot?” He asked when he noticed that the younger was wearing long sleeves.

“Yeah, I am? Did you just realize that?”

“You  _idiot_ , I meant, it’s like 30ºC outside and you’re wearing long sleeves.”

“I didn’t feel like getting sun tanned,” he shrugged and took a seat on Taehyun’s couch as he placed the pizza boxes on the coffee table in front of the TV. “What were you watching?”

“I don’t even know, I think it’s some foreign drama or something,” Taehyun replied as he grabbed some napkins and two cans of soda, proceeding to take a seat by Sungwoon’s side. “You can change the channel if you want to.”

“Nah, it looks interesting,” he replied, making himself comfortable on Taehyun’s couch with a slice of pizza in his hand.

Taehyun mumbled, “I stole Moonkyu’s Netflix account info the other day, though” almost unintelligibly while chewing on a pizza slice.

“You’re such a rat,” Sungwoon laughed. “But this is fine.”

They fell silent as they focused their attention on eating and the random drama that was on TV. Silence between them was never really awkward, but this time there was something hanging in the air that made Taehyun feel restless. He wanted to know why Sungwoon had disappeared for so many days; he hadn’t been gone for that long since  _the_   _incident_  two years back, yet he knew asking would be fruitless.

He felt more curious than ever before this time, though, especially when he could hear the buzzing of Sungwoon’s phone and his fingers tapping on his phone screen, texting every five minutes. Taehyun couldn’t help but wonder who Sungwoon was talking to that had him so attentive to their messages so as to not even start some sort of small talk with him. His mind took him back to his talk with Daniel the day before.

_“Sungwoon-hyung told me he kissed you,” Daniel spurted out as soon as they were away from where he shared a table with Donghan. Taehyun nearly choked on air. “Is it true?”_

_“Uh, well, first of all, hello?” he said, crossing his arms on his chest defensively. “And second, yeah… Sort of?”_

_“What do you mean ‘sort of’? Did he or did he not?” Daniel insisted in a serious tone Taehyun had never heard in the younger’s voice._

_“Well, it was actually me who kissed him, though I don’t know why I’m talking with you about this…” Taehyun looked at where Sungwoon was sitting._

_“I see.” Daniel said, pursing his lips and looking at Sungwoon, too. “Do you like Sungwoon-hyung?” he asked boldly after staying silent for a moment; eyes returning to Taehyun’s face to hold his gaze firmly._

Taehyun came back to reality and almost shrieked when he felt Sungwoon’s thumb sliding over his lips, the younger’s face very close to his.

“Do you not know what a napkin’s for?” he clicked his tongue and handed him one. “What’s got you so absorbed? You almost didn’t blink for a minute while staring at me. Quite scary.”

“Oh. Uh… Just… Ain’t it funny how we’re both graduating next year?” he was quick to throw in some subject that was far from where his mind had really taken him to. “Neither of us thought we’d make it this far,” he laughed and patted himself on the back for coming up with that in such a short span of time.

“Ah, yes…” Sungwoon smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

That’s exactly it. Exactly the smile Taehyun hates. Exactly what Taehyun refers to when he says he wishes Sungwoon would open up to him, about his worries, fears, what makes him uncomfortable or sad, or even just about his bad days or weeks. Taehyun is not one to push Sungwoon to let him in, but he can’t control himself this time when he asks, “have you thought about what you’re gonna do after graduating?”

“Um… Look for a job?” He takes a bite off his pizza slice. “I don’t really know. Haven’t thought about it,” he mutters as he wipes his mouth with a napkin. “And what about you? I remember you saying something about going abroad,” he inquired, eyes meeting Taehyun’s.

That’s Ha Sungwoon. Always slyly diverting the focus of the conversation so that it’d be Taehyun who was talking about himself instead of him. Taehyun just sighed.

“Yeah… I’m not sure either. I mean, I wish I could? But it’s not like it’s something that can be done overnight. Gotta save up some money first and all.”

Sungwoon hummed. Stubborn Taehyun wouldn’t let him off so easily, though, so he added:

“Are you… still not sure you’re on the right major?”

Sungwoon laughed and mumbled, jokingly, even though it didn’t really sound like it, “I’m not even sure if I’m on the right life.”

“You idiot,” Taehyun rolls his eyes. “But, like, seriously, imagine yourself in 10 years from now, where are you?” He looks at Sungwoon expectantly as he chews the pizza slice he just finished.

A few seconds go by in which there’s a strange change in Sungwoon’s eyes; they look darker and colder. Then, he mutters: “Dead?”

Taehyun feels shivers down his spine and is unable to say anything given the serious tone of Sungwoon’s voice.

The younger looks back at Taehyun immediately, as if realizing he forgot to sound playful, “I’m just kidding. Chill. Look at your face.” He laughs loudly, but it sounds forced. As he avoids Taehyun’s stare, he quickly grabs the TV remote and says, “Let’s switch this to some news. I wonder what’s going on in this country?” And that’s just how the topic dies off before Taehyun can say anything. He just complies.

As they both kept on eating the two boxes of pizza that Taehyun ordered, Sungwoon forgot about his phone and tried to make small talk about the different news that popped up in the TV channel they were watching. Taehyun tried to brush off the uneasy feeling at the pit of his stomach to follow him, but wasn’t very successful at it. Still, he did his best to pretend that nothing was wrong. As he usually had to do around Sungwoon. When the news anchor was informing about depression rates in the country increasing, Sungwoon abruptly stood up.

“Um, there’s— there’s like a pile of trash in your kitchen, I’m gonna help you with that,” he said, taking one of the empty boxes and his empty soda can to the kitchen trashcan.

“Uh, ok? It’s fine, though, but I’m not gonna argue if you wanna be my maid for free,” Taehyun joked.

“Shut up,” Sungwoon replied, not looking back at him. “Dude, do you ever take your garbage out? I didn’t mean it literally when I called you a rat but I’m changing my mind. I’m gonna take all this shit out,” he whined as he went out holding the garbage can with his right hand, empty pizza boxes under his left arm.

Taehyun, unbothered, just kept on chewing the last pizza slice of the second box. On TV they were talking about the importance of having a reliable support circle or someone who is trustworthy so as to cope with depression. He felt as if he hadn’t chewed his pizza enough because it was for some reason painfully hard to swallow down. His gaze followed Sungwoon as he came back into the apartment. They had never talked about it—about anything concerning Sungwoon’s privacy, for that matter, but especially not about  _it_. When Taehyun had gotten that call two years ago, rushed his way to ER as fast as he could, stayed with him at the hospital for one day and one night and agreed on not calling Sungwoon’s parents, all he’d gotten from Sungwoon had been a heartfelt “ _thank you”, “sorry for making you worry”_  and “ _I’m glad I have you as a friend.”_ He hadn’t had the courage to ask. He knew he should have, but Sungwoon had looked so fragile and vulnerable that all Taehyun had really wanted to do was take his mind off whatever it was that he had going on and cheer him up. After that, it’d never felt like timing was right to ask him about it. But, of course, Taehyun was not dumb—although Sungwoon would argue this—and there were things he could figure out on his own. Deep down, he knew what Sungwoon was dealing with. Deep down, he really wanted to help, but didn’t quite know how to do it, so he settled for what he was seemingly best at: keeping Sungwoon’s mind occupied on other little, silly things, while mocking him a little because he loved teasing the younger and getting him upset over nothing.

“Fuck!” he heard, and turned to look at where Sungwoon was. Taehyun burst out laughing the moment he saw the mess Sungwoon had made; his sleeves were almost dripping wet and he was struggling to turn off the sink’s tap.

Taehyun stood up and approached him, still laughing, “shit, you wanted to wash your hands? I forgot to tell you the sink’s broken.”

“No, seriously?” Sungwoon snapped once he managed to turn the damn thing off.

“Sorry,” Taehyun said, trying to stop laughing. “C’mere, let me help you,” he reached for Sungwoon’s dripping wet sleeves to roll them up.

The redhead jumped as soon as Taehyun touched him and defensively rolled his sleeves back down, “it’s fine! It’s hot anyway, it’ll dry by itself soon!”

But Taehyun, as previously noted, was not dumb. Taehyun usually played dumb for Sungwoon’s comfort, but this— He couldn’t just pretend like he hadn’t seen what he’d seen. Because he knew; he’d seen them before. Way back when they had just met each other, he’d seen the scars on Sungwoon’s arms while they played videogames and chose to ignore them because it would’ve been pointless to ruin the mood and invade his friend’s privacy just to satisfy his curiosity, and then it never felt right to ask about them again. But this. Now this isn’t about his curiosity. He’s worried. Genuinely concerned. So he doesn’t really think about what he’s doing when he forcibly takes Sungwoon’s left arm and rolls his sleeve all the way up, ignoring the younger’s protests.

“What is this?” he confronts Sungwoon, looking at him in the eye.

Sungwoon looks trapped. And ashamed. “It’s— it’s just my scars, you’ve already seen them before—” he stutters nervously, trying to free himself from Taehyun’s tight, almost painful grip.

Taehyun shakes his head. “These are new, these are not your old ones, these—” he looks down at Sungwoon’s arm and frowns as he narrows his eyes, “these look like from just a few days ago, is— was this when you disappeared?”

“They’re not! They’re the old ones—”

“Are you ever going to open up with me?” Taehyun interrupts brusquely, sounding frustrated. “Because I’ve been patient and given you space and I’ve been trying to help you, but I can’t really help you if you won’t trust me.”

“Taehyun, I’m not— I trust you, that is not why I didn’t—” Sungwoon’s lips are trembling as he tries to speak and he’s soon unable to finish his sentence when his chest starts abruptly rising and falling; his whole body starting to shiver.

Taehyun curses under his breath as he’s quick to pick up on what was happening and takes Sungwoon into his arms. “Calm down, it’s fine,” he says, as he caresses his hair and Sungwoon’s hands clutch on his back, “breathe with me, slowly. I’m here. You’re fine. It’s gonna be fine.”

After a few seconds, Sungwoon’s breathing slows down a little. “That’s good, you’re good. Let’s have you lie down for a while, alright?” Taehyun suggests. Sungwoon is still shaking a little bit but still manages to nod when Taehyun takes him by the hand and quietly leads him to lie down on his bed.

 

 

As he’s caressing Sungwoon’s hair, facing him while they both lie down trying to fit on his single extra-sized bed, he stares at Sungwoon’s arms that are pressed against the younger’s body, hands in fists. He wonders how was it that he didn’t notice Sungwoon had fallen back into that dark place which Taehyun had thought he had been helping him climb up all this time. He feels guilty for it. When Sungwoon finally stops trembling, Taehyun unconsciously moves his hands to caress his wounded arms. Sungwoon flinches and opens his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Taehyun whispers.

Sungwoon shakes his head and looks down.

“I’m really sorry,” Taehyun repeats, as if to emphasize he’s not exactly apologizing for having startled Sungwoon just now.

“It’s ok. I’m fine. Thank you,” the younger replies.

“Can we… Do you…” Taehyun mumbled, struggling to find the correct words. “Why did you do it again?”

Sungwoon gulped down and avoided his gaze. He didn’t say anything. He stayed silent. Taehyun waited patiently as he observed him; Sungwoon looked really focused in spite of his look being fixed nowhere. He knew Sungwoon was trying, and he wouldn’t push him now. At least this time he was  _trying_  to be open and that was already success.

When about five minutes had passed by, Taehyun gave up and didn’t really think he’d get anything out of him, but he was a bit shocked to suddenly see Sungwoon’s eyes watering as he said, “I’m tired,” and closed his eyes.

Tired? Did he mean tired right now, there, as he was with him, or did he mean—

Taehyun’s train of thought was interrupted by the silent tears that were streaming down Sungwoon’s face as the younger’s lips were pursed so as to not let his sobs out. Taehyun didn’t know how to react. After all these years and despite everything they had been through together, this was the first time he saw Sungwoon crying. He didn’t really think much as he wiped Sungwoon’s tears away with his thumbs and he couldn’t help but leave little pecks on the younger’s cheeks as he did so. As heart wrenching as the picture was, it was also endearing to see the younger opening up to him at least like that.

“Wow, I can’t believe I’m witnessing Ha Sungwoon’s tears, I thought those were only a legend,” he teased, trying to brighten up the mood a bit. Taehyun was never much of a comforter anyway.

“Shut up,” Sungwoon sniffled as he unconsciously pouted a little, refusing to open his eyes.

Taehyun couldn’t hold himself back and he pressed a soft kiss on Sungwoon’s lips. “Stop crying,” he said afterwards, still very close to the younger’s face. “You look ugly.”

“I hate you,” Sungwoon protested quietly, opening his eyes while his lips were still pouting.

 At this point, Taehyun didn’t even try to resist his desires before he kissed Sungwoon again. It was delicate and short, but he could notice the small sigh that escaped the younger’s lips when he pulled away and their noses were touching. He giggled and pecked Sungwoon’s cheek.

“Stop it,” Sungwoon protested again weakly as he didn’t really resist Taehyun’s little pecks over his face.

“Stop what?” Taehyun asked, teasing the younger as he got closer to his mouth without really touching his lips.

“This… Mocking me… Kissing me…” Sungwoon said breathily, eyes fixed on Taehyun’s lips.

“You don’t like it?” Taehyun mumbled for his lips to gently brush the younger’s.

Sungwoon shook his head and it took him less than a second to close the gap between his and Taehyun’s lips. Surprisingly, he kissed Taehyun in a needy, desperate kind of way. Perhaps he’d gone too far with his teasing. By the time Sungwoon pulled away, he was blushing but no longer crying. So Taehyun smiled as he caressed his cheek and they looked each other in the eye.

“What am I to you?” Sungwoon asked out of the blue. Despite having stopped crying, the older could notice the sadness in the other boy’s eyes.

Taehyun was taken aback by the sudden question and he felt embarrassed of the answers that immediately popped up in his head. “Um…” was all he managed to mumble. He was in no way going to say those things aloud to Sungwoon. But when the younger furrowed his brows, he felt forced to say something close to what he was thinking, so he said, “you’re my… best friend? Probably my most precious friend, I— um… I’d really rather die than having something bad happen to you—” Taehyun stopped when he noticed the glossiness in the younger’s eyes. He was going to comment something on it, but Sungwoon was quick to hide his face on his chest and hug him tightly.

“Can we… be friends for a long time?” He mumbled, snuggled against Taehyun’s t-shirt.

The older was yet again surprised at Sungwoon’s question. What did he mean? What was he really asking him for? Did he mean that he wanted to go back to when Taehyun didn’t let himself get carried away by his stupid feelings and didn’t kiss him as he wanted? Was this Sungwoon’s way of telling him he’s not interested in him?

Taehyun swallowed down all of his insecurities and tried to joke his way out of the situation, “of course? Do I look like I’m going to stop making fun of you any time soon?”

Sungwoon looked up at him as he frowned. “You’re a dick, you know that?” he said before leaving a quick peck on Taehyun's lips. “But I’m glad we’re friends,” he added with a small smile, cuddling up to Taehyun and making himself comfortable around the older.

To say that Taehyun was confused would’ve been an understatement. But after all these years, he should know better than trying to understand Ha Sungwoon. He should. All he did, though, was wrap his arms around the younger’s just a tiny bit smaller frame and close his eyes. When he felt Sungwoon’s breaths turn more gentle, Taehyun knew he’d fallen asleep. He let out a sigh.

_“Answer me, hyung. Please.” Daniel pleaded. “Do you like Sungwoon-hyung?”_

_Taehyun fidgeted with his fingers. He was really not interested in having this talk with the younger but didn’t quite know how to avoid it. “Well, I don’t dislike him. We’ve been friends for five years after all, haven’t we? I mean, sure, he can be loud and obnoxious—”_

_“You know that’s not what I’m asking you,” Daniel interrupted rudely. “I’m serious about Sungwoon-hyung,” he added, looking pissed off._

_“I am, too.” Taehyun got serious. “I like him, and we’re friends. I’m not gonna stay away from him, if that’s where this talk is heading to.”_

_Daniel just stared at him for a moment, as if making sure he’d understood correctly before he said, “You know what else he told me?”_

_Taehyun raised an eyebrow._

_“That he feels nothing for you.”_

_Taehyun clenched his teeth, but didn’t say anything._

_“I’m just letting you know that I’m not gonna stay away from Sungwoon-hyung, either. I really like him,” he emphasised, “and I hope we can be more than just friends. We’ve already done a lot more than friends do.” Daniel finished his sentence with a small smile hanging on his lips, looking laid back but defiant at the same time._

_Taehyun pursed his lips together; he had nothing else to say. Daniel bowed at him and left, leaving the older with a sour taste on his mouth._

**Author's Note:**

> I'M SORRY FOR MAKING DANIEL SUCH AN ASSHOLE BDSKJFBWFJK. I hope you don't get him wrong, his character in here is supposed to be immature and childish when it comes to handling life. He's not bad at heart orz. But hopefully you'll get to know him better.
> 
> Comments, suggestions or whatever you wanna say are always welcome! Thanks for reading.


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